Letters to my future self…

Year 2009 is coming to an end, and we’ll be welcoming the new year soon. This year is by far the most eventful yet HORRIBLE year I had to endure. Apart from making many mistakes that I have come to regret, which is letting assholes and bitches into my life, I was also put through a near death experience.

Yes, folks, I nearly died this year. I can still remember the date. It was 18 July 2009 when I barely escaped from a burning house. I come to realized that Death can come knocking on anyone’s door. Apparently, Death does not discriminate. It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, sick or healthy…if it’s your time to go, then by all means, you WILL go. Let’s just say I am lucky to be able to cheat Death this time.

I had very little comfort this year, and I saw the ugly side of God’s creature known as human. A series of unfortunate events seems to unfold before my very eyes. One after another, and I’m forced to deal with it. No one in my blasted life was actually there for me physically. No hugs, or kisses or even words to tell me that everything will be all right. Of course Eugene, Cheeyee, Jen, and Claire knew what happened to me, but it’s not the same, because though I appreciate their kind words and motivation, it’s not the same with having physical comforts.

I also feel sick of being taken for granted. Thinking back… I feel sick to the stomach when I flashback to those important dates of my life… like anniversaries, V-day, birthday, certain festivals. I am expected to make people happy during those dates that meant a lot to me. It seems that no one even care about what I feel anymore.(my parents are an exception though) Everything is just about them now. I feel so sick of it that I could puke thinking about it right now. Goddamn it! They can’t seems to get out of my hair! I couldn’t even go on vacation in peace because of them.

Being a hopeless romantic, I am tired of people not wishing me Happy Valentines Day and Happy Anniversaries . I loathe it when people did not ask me how I want to celebrate my birthdays or even the birthday of my family members. I feel like showing my middle finger when I flashback to the time where I spent my very own birthday, sleeping on the goddamn bed, fighting off fatigue because I could no longer move about as I had to endure and tolerate ‘certain matters’ the day before and on the exact day of my birthday. And no, it was not sex. I wish it was sex, though. I wished I celebrated being 25 years old this year the way I wanted it to be, instead of dozing off.

Turning 25 on 2nd September 2009 was supposed to be important to ME. Not other people…It is important to me to celebrate being alive, being able to survive the fire. Not… other people.

I really resent it because besides my father, my mother, my sister and Pauline (my high school bestie) no one else in my ‘offline’ life bothers about it. There are no presents whatsoever (well, what’s new in that, anyway. Every year I didn’t get any presents, anyway). Not even a ‘Happy Birthday’. Because it seems that other things… other people are more important than me.

Though I am touched that my FIL bought me a cake on 31st August 2009 during a dinner that I hosted at home, I can’t say it helped much to ease the sorrow that I felt a few days later. I know I am nothing special. But then, not even the courtesy to let that day be mine? That’s a little bit too much for me.

People might have thought I had a blast turning 25 years old. But no one actually knew that I called up my father in the toilet and cried silently as he spoke to me the day before my birthday. I needed to hear his voice so much, because I knew what will happen the next day. Which is nothing. He wondered why I sounded so strange. He asked me what was bothering me, but I could not tell, because it will break his heart if he knew his daughter was not happy, and what had caused her to feel so tired. I lied to him. I told him I had a flu. We chatted away as I silently sob in the goddamn toilet, trying so hard to smile and laugh at my dad’s lame jokes.

For the first time ever since I left home back in 2002, I wish I could just celebrate my birthday with my parents. Even if there’s no presents, they would hug me and kiss me and wish me Happy Birthday. It would have been enough. Yes. A simple greeting would have been enough. It would make me feel happy. And it would have definitely make me feel appreciated. Some people would say action speaks louder than words. But sometimes, words speaks louder than action… well…words definitely speaks louder than action when there’s no action taken to make things better in the first place.

I am so tired of ‘being a good girl’ who pleased others. I want it to be all about me next year. Yes. No more Ms. Nice Girl. I want to be a bitch next year. There’s no need to care for others anymore. Why bother when they don’t appreciate what I do? Why bother when you’re nice to them, they treated you like the lowest scum on Earth? And why bother when all they know is just find faults in you? I’ll never be good enough because in their eyes, I’m just a slut who only knows how to waste money anyway? Ohh, yes, whore. I’ve heard what you’ve been saying about me. If I had it my way, I would have probably sued you for defamation. (Don’t get me started, bitches and whores out there. For what it’s worth…all of these while…during my blasted 25 years of my life, I don’t owe anyone money. PEOPLE owe ME money instead. I don’t owe anyone. Except for my father and mother.)

Anyway… as I’ve said. I wanted next year to be about me. I won’t have anyone dictate on what I should do, and what I shouldn’t do. And I won’t have people tell me on how I should run my life. And most definitely won’t let people I loathe have their ways anymore. Who the hell are you people to dictate my life? I am my own mistress, you bloody fool! I’ll be damned if I let people run my life and ruin those special dates, because I am so fucking tired of being taken for granted, and I am also bloody pissed off when I am forced to give face to people when they don’t even bother to respect me in the first place.

I am getting tired of not getting any ‘Happy New Year’, ‘Happy Valentines Day’, ‘Happy Anniversary’, ‘Happy Birthday’ and even ‘Merry Xmas’. Bloody fool, I am so sick and tired of not getting any of it!  So sick that I haven’t been celebrating life. And since you blokes out there took me for granted and couldn’t take a clue, I am going to do something about it. I am going to make myself happy again. On those dates, and on every goddamn day.

Do you know what I am going to do? I am going to write to my future self. Why would I want to do that? Well, elemantary my dear readers. I have a premonition that next year will not be any better than this year. It’ll be pretty much the same. No fun… AGAIN. No wishes… AGAIN. No presents… AGAIN. I want those. But I can only tell myself to dream on, because there will be more bad things happen next year. And I will find that I will be consumed with self-pity, resentment and hatred again.

I’m going to write myself ‘love letters’…to wish myself. To comfort myself. To advice myself.To remind myself that I am worthy of life, and I am who I am, and no one should be allowed to take that away from me. This may sound pathetic to everyone who is reading this. But… hey… I need to remind myself that even if there’s no one else out there to make me feel happy and full of life… I still have 3 people in my life.

That’s ME, MYSELF and I. Those 3 people loved me. THEY are going to write to me and comfort me, and all I have to do is write little comforting notes. They will ‘talk’ to me about the things that I couldn’t even talk to my other half. They will cheer me up and make me do crazy things that will make myself feel good from January until December. I am going to write 365 notes to myself, and I will open it on those dates dictated on the envelop. (Damn. I only have 10 more days to write 365 notes to myself. I gotto start now!) Originally intended to send schedule emails to myself, but I wanted something physical, not virtual. Hence… it’ll be letters, not emails, or scheduled private blog entries.

That’s my cat, Meow Meow… ‘guarding’ my newly bought writing pads and envelopes.

Since I have openly told you readers that I wanted to stop feeling horrible and sorry for myself by writing notes to myself, I’ll let you know what my first letter in January would tell me. The rest will be for me to know, and for all of you not to find out. :-P

I

It’s this:

Hey there,

Happy New Year, Lizzie. It’s a brand new year, and it’s been a while since you had fun. You promised yourself that 2010 will be about you, and here I am reminding you to do what you pledged to do.If there’s no one there to celebrate New Year Year eve with you again this year, don’t you dare give a damn. Watch the firework and countdown with those crazy party goers. And when the clock stroke 12, jump like a madwoman and do that little Hula Dance you learned on the net. Sneak out of the damn house, and bring your cat for a walk. It’s a brand new year, babe. Celebrate it.

Love yourself.

First letter to myself. Safely sealed up now. Only to be opened on New Year’s eve.

Cleffairy: Hooyeahhhh…. next year will be a bad year again, as usual. Gonna be a bumpy ride. ESPECIALLY FEBRUARY. FEBRUARY WILL SUCK. (Don’t ask me questions, and I won’t bitch about it) Bitches and bastards will still be in my hair as well, nothing I can do to change that. But I can at least have some crazy fun and learn to celebrate life again. People are gonna regret it when they figured out that I don’t need them to wish me or to make me happy anymore. Yes… I will heal!

ps: Thank God there’s no flower shop near my home. Else, they would earn loads from me cuz originally, I planned to send flowers to myself!

About these ads

About cleffairy

Recently having fascination with ancient history.
This entry was posted in A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Letters to my future self…

  1. claire says:

    Cleffairy/Lizzie, don’t be so hard on yourself, this is your life, your life with your love ones, we cannot please everybody at the same time and all the time, don’t expect them to do the same to us too.. there is a long journey ahead before u.. be happy, live with love for those who deserve.. (call me selfish lol) so much to say.. but then again, it is always the same old words that I give :)
    any the way, I wanna wish u A Great Wonderful Weekend.. Merry Christmas to U, Happy Boxing Day (yes, box all u like next Saturday) and Happy New 2010 filled with love and happiness!!!

    • cleffairy says:

      Sorry for the late reply, Claire. LOL…my parents are in KL… I went to teman them. LOL…Indeed, we cannot please everyone at the same time. Actually, I don’t expect people to please me either. But… I do hope people can stop giving me troubles and back stab me. I dun kacau their life, you know? They should do the same. Stay out of my way. Hopefully, next year will be better for me. :-D

  2. Merryn says:

    *speechless* tears actually formed in my eyes as I read this. Sounded too sad to comprehend.. Cleff though I have only known you for less than a week, I feel for you as I read this.. Hang in there gal. Though your offline life is not as good as expected, you can definitely count on us, your online buddies…

    • cleffairy says:

      Oh, no! I made someone cry again. =.= Another mama blogger had tears in her eyes oso when she read my entry on depression. =.= Hopefully I didn’t send her into full scale bawling. Ahahaha…

      Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, Merryn. I really appreciate it. *hugs* Thank you so much for being here.

      Kisses for Ethan, ok?

  3. My dearest Lizzie,

    CONGRATULATIONS FOR YOUR AWAKENINGS.

    You must truly believe that YOU ARE SPECIAL, no one else can truly make feel that. You know what, YOU ARE TRULY SPECIAL. There is NO ONE ELSE like you IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD ,is there? Even GOD KNOWS YOU ARE SPECIAL as you live to tell us about the fire.

    Take time to heal. Take time to love. Take time to LIVE. Take time to PRAY FOR YOURSELF. Take time to TALK TO GOD. I am so happy for you that at 25 years young, you already realized a lot in life that I HAVE NO IDEA OF! I only truly learn to live when I finally opt to divorce ex in 2003 when I was 38!

    NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL ANYTHING IF YOU DO NOT ALLOW THEM. It is not easy. I have not been in touch with my own family, mother,brothers and sister as they always make me feel so bad about myself. Nope, it does not hurt anymore. I have been hurt enough.

    Know that you DO HAVE FRIENDS, be it ONLINE. A true ONLINE friend is better than 10 USELESS REAL LIFE BLOOD SUCKERS, right?

    Know that NOTHING LAST FOREVER, BE IT GOOD OR BAD. It is YOU WHO HAS THE CONTROL to let it still affect you or let it go.

    Know that YOU HAVE MANY GIFTS. THE WONDERFUL GIFT TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. YOU HAVE “OVER A CUPPA TEA” ,right?

    LOVING ONESELF has to be LEARNED. It took me YEARS!

    It is NOT ALL ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE GOOD FRIENDS but it is ALL ABOUT YOU to learn to CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS. DO NOT ALLOW PEOPLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. HECK, ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT!

    I wish for you EVERYTHING that you DESERVE as YOU DO DESERVE THE BEST. I wish for you the WISDOM , to LET THINGS GO, ESPECIALLY THE USELESS AND HOPELESS ONES and to take ONE DAY AT A TIME.

    Wishing you ONLY THE BEST , NOW AND ALWAYS.

    Hugs and kisses,
    Shakira

    • cleffairy says:

      Hello, Shakira. :-D Nice to see you here after seeing you hanging out in Eugene’s place. *grinz*

      Yea…I have to ‘wake up’, you know? Because I don’t like what I see in the mirror. When I see my reflection, I am not sure if it’s me anymore. It’s like…I am not even living. I have to change. And instead of putting others before me all the time and yet get nothing in return, I should learn to love myself more.

      At some point, I feel nothing. Numb. Cannot love. Then I realized why. It’s because I don’t love myself enough to be able to love again. I am trying… desperately trying to learn to love myself. I must be a slow learner, though. I think I haven’t pass yet. Taking my time to learn to love myself again. And trying hard to feel alive again. And learning to live with my decisions and mistakes too.

      Thank you so much for your good wishes. I want wisdom the most. Hopefully, God will hear you, and will give me wisdom, cuz if he gives me strength instead, I will be sure to bash people up instead. LMAO… Have a nice weekend, Shakira. Keep in touch. you can be sure I’ll head over to your blog frequently. *grinz*
      :-D

      • Again Lizzie, You got to LEARN to LOVE YOURSELF. Takes me YEARS and lots of love from my daughters and hubby ( I remarried ). Now, I am not afraid to ask them to hug me or to tell me that they love me EVERYDAY!
        When you give all the time, you run DRY… so, time for you to be BRAVE enough to TAKE BACK. hugs, shakira

      • cleffairy says:

        It’s not easy, isn’t it? To love oneself. I feel difficult. But I have to start somehow, or negative emotions will consume me.

  4. Uncle Lee says:

    Hi Cleffairy, wayyyyy to go. Just live your life with no excuses, love with no regrets.
    By the way, I saw you earlier at my place, but when I cleared you at my Immigration checkpoint, I lost you on my radar. Where you pop in?
    I can’t locate you.

    Oh ya, I have a special surprise for you my next posting. Still work in progress….
    Drop by tomorrow or day after if no hiccups.
    Have a nice day, Lee.

    • cleffairy says:

      Hi Uncle Lee… :-D I’m still leabing to live my life with no excuses, and love with no regrets.

      Ohh… I’m from KL, Malaysia. Have a nice day too, Uncle Lee.

  5. CHVoon says:

    Life is unpredictable! as “Malang tidak berbau”.

    Agree with u that physical comforts is louder that words.

    You still young but your look mutual! hehehe younger than me.

    Support u that what u want to be … be a real of your true color.

    keep it on… :) happy new year 2010!

    • cleffairy says:

      Life is unpredictable, yes. But when malang strikes, it stinks! LOL…

      I look mature? Ahahaha… you must have meant I sounded mature. I never put my piccies online. Only select few knew how I look like. Actually, some people thought I’m a 40++ year old lady. I have no idea why!!!!

      Happy New Year to you too, and wish you all the best next year.

  6. keatix says:

    clef, hey u!!! it’s been a really long time. i dont know whether u agree, but i was amongst the first readers in yr blog!! lol. anyway, m really sorry to hear and missed out so much especially on all the happenings. it’s been rather busy (minus the income…lol) and things are juz so-so over here, but i aint complaining. hope all is sorted out now and the emergence of a silver lining out off the dark sky. hugs and kisses to u always!!! an early merry xmas to u and yr family 2!!!!!! then a very happy nude year!!!

    (btw, u ader mukabuku?)

    • cleffairy says:

      Arloo, Mr. Machoman! Ahahahaha… eh, of course I know that you’re one of my first few readers. You, along with some others. Calvin, Uncle Warrior, Pete, Kevin, Amoker are the first few. Came often to see me vent bout politics. But Najib doesn’t really give me much things to vent about. LOL… duzzin vent bout politics that much oredi.

      Happy Xmas and Merry New yaaaaa, ktx…

  7. suituapui says:

    This post is so sad and it has touched me deeply. Everyone’s life is no bed of roses…and mine neither, no matter how happy, how wonderful we portray it to be. I guess not all of us would be frank or candid enough to reveal the ugly side of our lives, and you can bet there’s more than meets the eye.

    We just have to be strong and plod on and on. Live for ourselves more than for others. As in the words of the song: “The Greatest Love of All” – …learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all! Hang on in there, girl!

    • cleffairy says:

      Yeah, Cikgu… EVERYONE’S life is no bed of roses. Some may choose to tell about it, while some choose to bury it somewhere. Hopefully God will give me the wisdom and strength to walk through all of the obstacle in my life.

  8. Kev says:

    Hi Cleffairy, this is my first visit to your blog, and I’m truly moved by your experience. Be strong; I hope that the year 2010 brings you something better. Merry X’mas.

    Best wishes to you.
    Kev
    21.12.2009

    • cleffairy says:

      Actually, this is your second visit… LOL…. you dropped by some time ago. Ahahaha… thank you for your encouragements, Kev. I wish all the same to you. Hopefully 2010 will be better not only for you and for me, but for everyone else in the world.

  9. jen says:

    2010 gonna be a better year for us! even if it doesn’t (choiii) we’re gonna make it the best for ourselves! let’s just hope less people will be pissing us off, hah..

    • cleffairy says:

      Choiii, choiii, Jen. Touch wood lah… hopefully things wun get worst la. I got a nagging feeling, actually that next year will not be as great… but wth la… life is a bitch, we have to fuck it while it’s young lah! OMG… I’m so vulgar, horr?

      Hopefully lorr…but since when those buggers have intentions to stop pissing us off? Sway, rite? But wud to do, this is life. We have to make it better for ourself. People where got will make it better for us wan? We want something, we have to work hard to get it…rite? Rite?

      Neway…. happy xmas, jen.

  10. Cheeyee says:

    You are right that I cannot give you the physical comfort that you need. Just hope you don’t feel that bad at least there is someone here that is willing to listen. Anyway, don’t think so much. I mean don’t think that next year is not a good year. Cheers! We should really come out to meet up some time for ice cream. :)

    • cleffairy says:

      I’m eternally grateful that you’re always there to listen to what i have to say, Cheeyee. No kidding. Having someone to listen… without judging and condemning me actually keeps me going, Cheeyee. You have no idea how much your sms meant to me. *sigh* If only I cannot think too much. Weird things are happening in my life rite now. I’ll tell you bout it when I finally get around to do it.

      Ice cream! *groan* of course…suddenly remembers something…. *grinz* you owe me a sundae cone for my bday next year. Remember arrr! You say wan leh… will treat me to ice cream on my bday next year. LOL…*take out hands*

      Let’s meet up some day… when both of us are free…k?

  11. life can be tough at times….don’t worry so much lah….go out makan-makan…then happy happy….karoake this week with my kids!

    • cleffairy says:

      LOL… hard for me not to worry, Pete, cuz my gut instinct is always right wan. Whoa… karaoke wif ur kids? OMG… move it, Pete, you gotto move it move it, you gotto… MOVE IT! LMAO!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s