There’s been so many bad news around me lately. There have been sudden and unexpected loss, and many more tragic events had unfortunately occurred. Though misfortune does not directly befalls me, but it does befalls to the people whom I am fond of, and seeing that they are upset and depressed deeply saddens me. It breaks my heart to see the ones that I love fall into stress and pulled into depression.
Those who are in my blogging circle for some time now would know what I am talking about. But I do not wish to mention clearly what I am really talking about. I respect people’s privacy and I’ll be damned if I gossip around like some sexually deprived housewives about people’s misfortune. That would be a tragedy more than the event itself.
Sometimes I do hope that they are stress free, but then again, things happens. Things are sometimes beyond our control, and it’s already predestine. I could easily advice the people who are down, moody, stressful and depressed to not think too much of their problem, but I too had experienced terrible stress and been pulled into a horrible depression that almost made me suicidal once. It takes me more than 2 years to get out of one. And I am not sure if I’m safely rid of it. So I know that brushing off people’s stress and take the easy way out by telling them not to think to much and try to chill is a definite no no!
People who are stressed up needed help, not such brush off, and most are desperate enough that they are almost suicidal. Do you honestly think that telling people not to think about their problems would work? People wanted solution to their problems. People wanted to get out of their problems. Telling them to chill and relax or just pray to God without making any efforts would only heighten their depression, because, such things do not provide any solution. God help those who helped themselves. Who dare to tell me that God had personally helped them? Tell me so, I dare you! I stopped believing in God because when I was almost suicidal, it was not God who helped me through it.
I know this well because I once experienced it myself. What experience, you ask me? Why, depression of course. As I stated before, I was almost suicidal because of it. Life did not treat me well. Relationship was bland and awry. Support from family members/spouse was not with me, because they taught I had no such issue or perhaps ignorant of it.
Maybe that, or they are not sensitive and turn blind eyes to it. Loneliness and lack of social communication/interaction made me feel trapped in my own environment and felt completely left out. I felt that there was no purpose in life. And of course I seek ways to escape it, and I suppose, suicide was the best form of escapism. Yes, I truly thought it was. I was ready to leave, and would gladly do so without second thought. I was happy when I thought that my death would finally free me from all sad things and disappointments that I experienced. I will finally be rid of my nasty unresolved problems.
I was happy with the thoughts that the ones I left behind would suffer and regret that I finally died and it’s their fault that I decided that suicide is way better than be with them. Serve them right for not being attentive. Serve them right for being such uncaring, insensitive bastards who abandoned me without sparing a single thoughts for me. Serve them right for making me feel left out and made me feel that I am not needed, unloved and have no purpose in life.
When I suffered depression, the thought of death was nothing to me. It was imprinted in my thoughts that Death comes to everyone anyway. I was tempted to die. The thoughts was pleasant and inviting. It does not make any difference to me on how it’s delivered and when it is. People die everyday, and so, what difference would it make to me anyway? I seriously thought that.
People who are depressed and melancholic WILL NOT try to chill or not think too much. It doesn’t work that way. Personally, when I am depressed, I would like someone to LISTEN to me instead of judging my situation. People who are depressed need a good pair of ears and a pair or mouth that will shut tight and sealed our problems inside and not broadcast it to the world. But unfortunately, good ears and silent mouth are extremely hard to come by. The things that I bottled up inside are the kind of things that i would not even share with my best friend. Those kind of mouth and ears are hard to come by, unless of course, you pay for it by seeking professional help.
I would shamelessly admit that I’m mentally disturbed enough and need a trustworthy therapist. I wanted help. I want a safe way out and I do not wish to feel inferior anymore. I do not wish to be one of those who gives up on life because they have issues that they thought could not be solved. But help are expensive and hard to come by in Malaysia. And then comes the stigma that everyone who seeks psychologist are lunatic. I could not afford to do so, because financial restriction is also a tiny part of the issue that drives me into the pit of depression.
Stress and depression is a silent killer. It brings many health problems. It hurts. Very much. At least to me it does. Blood pressure skyrocketed, heart pumps harder and feels painful, and stomach rebelled by not digesting and consequently caused horrendous stomachache and vomiting. Health then will deteriorate terribly. You’ll look sickly and unhappiness will be written clearly on your facial expression.
When you are depressed, it’s not necessarily take suicide to finally end your misery. But terrible state of health would deliver you to the underworld itself in the form of stroke, high blood pressure of even heart attacks. I envy my Western counterparts. Psychologist are cheaper per session and easier to come by, and there’s no such stigma because Westerners are courageous enough to admit that they are human enough to need help and it’s necessary for them to seek professional help.
I was in serious depression back in 2006, 2007 and 2008. Serious as in really serious. Almost suicidal. My life was about to be snipped away back then. I could not get a grip, and I mope about all the time. I lost control of my own life because of the lack of social communication and people who understood me. I feel trapped and lost my purpose in life and it was almost my undoing. I felt that I’m being placed in a small corner by people whom I love and as a result, I shut them out of my life by not disclosing my problems from them and bottles everything inside. I felt that it’s useless telling anyone anyway. They would have not understood and there’s no point in making such effort because I’m convinced that it will not provide me any solution. Things will continue to be the same, so, what’s the point wasting my breath when there is no desirable outcome to my outpouring of emotions?
I am not sure if i finally did recover from depression, because I still feel easily depressed every now and then. And pretty easily too. But I found that DISTRACTION can be a good diversion to stress and depression. Distraction doesn’t have to always be a healthy one, but it can save life. And, as they say, misery loves company. Find someone you trust to share your problems with. That may not do much, but at least some part of it will be lift up from you. And it does help if you could do something about your low self-esteem.
Perhaps I should write another article following this one as a follow up on how one could handle stress. Until next time people, this is getting way too long. My sincerest apology if I bore you out of your skull. And I’d thank you if you share your own experience on stress and depression if you have any.
Cleffairy: Truthfully deep inside, I am a battered person. Sometimes, I think I managed to still be alive because I’m anger motivated and I turn vengeful. I wanted revenge on those who made me miserable.