I’m not so sweet anymore…

I changed so much over the years since I finished high school. I dare to bet that my high school friends can tell me to my face that they do not know me anymore. From a sweet, forgiving, naive girl who can easily tolerate anyone around her, I become a witch who is ill tempered and have distrust on everyone who crossed my path. It takes so little to anger me. It takes so less to displease and to hold grudges against others. Resentments bottles up, and I doubt anyone can do anything about it to make it go away.

Those changes are not good, I know, but I can’t help it. My environment shaped me into what I am today. And I can’t honestly say that my environment after I left home is all good and positive. My parents sheltered me. I used to have a perfect happy family. I was a daughter. An apple to my parents’ eyes.

But I learn that not everyone have good parents like mine who protects me from the dangers outside, and eventually, I discovered that I’m stuck with people whose background is not as good as mine, and if I want to stick around with them, I’ll have to change to adapt. I did not want to change. But then again, I have to. To survive.

Fiend and friends alike analyzed me. Both parties said the same thing. Both agrees that I became a bitter person because I have been hurt. A year ago, if one told me that, I would adamantly deny their allegations. But today, as much as I refuse to admit that I have been somehow hurt in some ways, I have too, because I am not that happy with myself, with what I am today. This is not what I envisioned myself to be 10 years ago.

10 years ago, I was full of dreams and hope, but today, nothing seems to go right. I am not what I had hoped myself to be when I was younger. It never crossed my mind that I will be a failure in many ways. Yes, that is what I am. A failure. A big one at that. I have disappoint my younger self. And nothing can change that, unless I start to put myself first before others. And start to love myself first before I love others. The fire made me see that. Somehow, I am glad it happened as it seems to burn away things so that I could see clearer.

I know I’m fooling around with my own doom when I give up my own hopes and dreams in order to help others achieve theirs. But then again, why am I still doing it? Because I have to? Because I have no choice? Because I am forced to do so? No. It’s because somehow, a part of that innocent, selfless girl who used to be me still haven’t completely die. She’s still there, somewhere, waiting to emerge once again, but have been successfully suppressed by her environment.

This will be a weird entry, but I need to do this in order to understand myself again, because sometimes, when I woke up in the morning or looked into the mirror, I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore. I changed too much.

What can I do to be that sweet girl again? I don’t have any answer for that. I feel that I’ve changed too much and it is too late for me to turn back. But perhaps, being happy is a good start. And loving myself first before loving others would make me feel more at ease with myself and stop myself from holding grudges with other people. I don’t know what I should do to make me feel more confident and comfortable with myself, cuz it’s been destroyed for so long.

I can only say one thing to all of you though, before you become like me, turning into someone you cannot even recognize in the mirror; Love yourself first before you love others. Do something to make yourself happy, because unhappiness can destroy so many things. And instead of following what other people tell you to do because they thought it is right for you, follow your heart and your instinct. That, my blogger friends, could at least preserve the good part of you and prevent yourself from turning into such an ill-tempered witch like me.

Cleffairy: If I love myself a little bit more, it does not mean I love you less.

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About cleffairy

Recently having fascination with ancient history.
This entry was posted in A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to I’m not so sweet anymore…

  1. claire says:

    I might not know u very well, Cleffairy….but i feel that behind your bitterness in your mind lies a deep compassion and gentleness in your heart..

    Don’t let the hurts wear u down… we have only God to be answerable to…
    Take care…. time shall heal…

    • cleffairy says:

      Oh, Claire… I do hope you are right about it… 😦 I feel so tired… very very tired, and I want a break, seriously. But it seems that the predicament that I am in prevents me from chilling out. Sigh… anyway, Claire, I’ll pray for you and family. I hope everyone stay strong and at peace with themselves over there.

  2. Ahhhh, Cleff, it is a cruel world out there but….remember Star Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi told Luke Skywalker, “To be a Jedi, you must confront and then go beyond the dark side”. This is the phase of our life before going to the brighter side!

  3. jen says:

    hi cleff, thanks and i truly appreciate the comment you left for me πŸ™‚ you’re so right, we’re vain. if only we don’t bother what others say about us, life would be happier. to free ourselves from all sort of emotional prison, we have to boost up our confidence first and that’s what i’m trying hard to do now. when we feel good about ourselves, harsh comments will do no harm to us anymore.

    whenever we feel down in the low, we shouldn’t alienate ourselves in the dark and wait for everything to heal by itself. hang out with the positive minded people. when we are surrounded by these people, we tend to feel positive as well. i tried this and it really works. i hope you can give it a try too πŸ™‚

    • cleffairy says:

      Haihh, Jen… I know how you feel becoz I am no different from you. I care about what people say about me. I get pissed easily when people criticize me… not just because I am vain, but I’m egoistical too. I want face, and I hope to be perfect. If only I can let go some of these, I tink I can be happier too, but like you said, it’s really not easy. A lot of things happens to me lately, and I wonder what else could go wrong… and like you, I am still trying to feel good about myself.

      I think, I should try your method, no? LOL… see how it works. Anyway, take care Jen…need to blast, I’m always listening. Feel free to abuse my comment page or even email me. LOL. πŸ˜›

      • jen says:

        right, i feel we are reflections of each other in certain ways. i really hope you can find the existing angel in yourself again and i’m sure you can do it. you’ll always have my endless support, gambateh!

    • cleffairy says:

      Thank you so much for your support and encouragement, Jen, I really appreciate it.

  4. Jessica says:

    Sounds like you’re doing a bit of soul searching… As we all do before we realize what we are to become… what kind of mark we’ll leave…

  5. eugene says:

    Just one to tell you this, like the rest of your good blogger friends, i care…. and i hope that’s good enough to make your world a little brighter and sooner or later, it will beam to the end, trust me,,,,

    luv ya, and take care

    • cleffairy says:

      Let me be frank with you, Eugene… knowing that someone care does make my day brighter, even if I never met that ‘someone’ before. You take care of your wife and kids too, ya? Give all my love to them.

  6. dolly says:

    hi.. dropping by again..
    this post some how can relate to something i’ve faced before, but the situation [the self protection from outside world, dont trust ppl easily] wont last long because i just dont remember bad stuff forever.

    Even when some one that I truly trusted insults me, backstabs me, I won’t change myself for them, I still can trust people easily but definitely not them anymore.

    And too much of bad memory, unhappiness really can destroy a lot of things because they hold u back from searching happiness and gain trust again for ppl that worth. =)

    • cleffairy says:

      Dolly…thank you so much for dropping by again. I suppose, you are better than me in many ways. LOL… at least, you are able to forget, while me, on the other hand, can never forget what people did to me. Not only i cannot forget, I also don’t forgive easily/ *SIGH* I am rotten, aren’t I?

  7. Cheeyee says:

    What you are going through now very close to what I had been through last year. I understand how you feel. Even myself has changed after that – even today, sometimes I still doubt that is the change is good thing or bad thing? Does it make me better or worse? I don’t know and I certainly have no answer to it. You can’t tell too as you don’t know the ‘old’ me. But you are right and very true that – follow your heart, do something that make you feel happy, even though you act selfish. I had done this before. After I had done it, i felt guilty, I felt selfish. But I had already done it and no turning back. Lots of lots of thinking, lots of lots of talks and of course lots of lots of fights, made the end of it.

    Just want to tell you – whatever happen, I’m always here for you. I may not be able to give you advice, as our stories not entire the same, but I will always be your listener. Things happen with reasons. I hope when this whole thing end, you are happier, and have a better life.

    • cleffairy says:

      I am not sure if I like what I’m seeing, Cheeyee. I feel rotten at times, but things changed, eh? And sometimes, we cannot stop changes. We can only hope that whatever had happened, happened for a reason, and it’s a blessing in disguise.

      Thank you so much for being there for me all these while. Having a good listener like you takes off some loads from my shoulder. πŸ˜€

  8. amoker says:

    Fairy god mother. hehe

    May our source of strength is from God, then it may not be overpowering and will be natural. Also, rest when tired. God rests after creating the world not because he need to, but to enjoy his own creation. And when am tired, I rest in Him. (and when I die too.. hehe)

    Too scared to look at the mirror nowadays… kah kah

    • cleffairy says:

      Amoker… ahaha, I’m also scared of looking into the mirror these days. I’m turning into an old hag! OMG! Must go to some beautician and let them work on me. LMAO. (*rolls eyes…* I’m so vain!)

  9. Marc says:

    Cleffairy,

    don’t let you environment change you. The sad part of the story, is that some people will take the chance to stab you in the back to get what they want. The good part, is that, out there, there are good hearted people.

    I myself, moved around a lot when I was a kid. But our family always had a strong bond. My mother and father loved each other, my sisters, and me. When I was in fifth grade I moved to the province of Nevada. French (from Canada) was my first language and I did not know that much English. But somehow, I managed to make a lot of friends. Over time people began to change (as they do when they get to junior high and high school). But the true friends stayed with me. I realized then, that there was no use in wasting my energy with people who were negative, fake, backstabbing, ect, ect.

    So my advice to you, is to find these good people. And when you do, do everything in your power not to loose them. I would rather have 1 really good friend than a million so so friends.

    On a different note (years later), our family moved back to where I was from (Quebec, Canada). Right away, I could tell things were not going to be the same. People were not as nice and welcoming. The general attitude was also very very self. More about one’s self than others. Now my dad is getting rich, but I don’t necessarily feel happier.

    I love my family, I love my girlfriend, and my only friend here in this city of about 2 million, but given the chance, I would move with all of them to a place where people don’t prioritize money over life.

    My point from all of this,
    the problem is not necessarily with you,
    its with your environment,
    and that is completely normal.

    Take that step to discover something new.
    I am almost certain that the end result will be much better than your current environment.

    Good luck!

    • cleffairy says:

      Wow! Such lengthy comment, Marc. Thank you for visiting. I really appreciate it that you took some time to write them down.

      I’m pretty much like you in a way. In real life, i don’t have that much friends either… only a few. πŸ˜€

  10. chrisau says:

    It takes time, Clef but do it! Change yourself back to that inner self which has been prompting. It’s a conscience… waiting to protect you from destruction. Set goals…list out the things that you want to change and work on it. Seek help from counsellors or psychologist…they are of good help. I’m sure your Pastor or church members (if you’re a christian) might be of a good help too. Believe and have faith that you will change for the better!!

  11. skywalker says:

    hi cleff,

    i’ve been wat u’re going thru now and fully understand how u feel.

    All that are pretty normal as it’s part of the growing up of our life, or, more specifically, our inner soul.

    1 of the main missions we come to this world born as mankind, is to learn those lessons which we have yet to finish learning. Hence the many different kinds of stories of many different ppl in this earth.

    And along this learning path, positive mindset would help the growing up of life, while negative mindset would be stumbling block or simply stop us from moving forward.

    It’s really, really easier said than done because our heart & soul have been marred by so much trouble & distress, which, when traced back it origin, were actually stem from our heart.

    So. if looking from negative side, it’s *difficulty*. But if looking from positive side, it’s *challenges*.

    Well imho, joining more positive-minded buddies, be it on-line or real-life would halp. In addition to this, i think joining spiritual practice would help even better, because by going thru spiritual practice n events like that, u would realize even deeper the compassion within u, so then u would free urself from self-pity or self-hatred, then u would realize that u could extend ur capability to help other live-being. Yeah, beyond ur comprehension, but it’s the inherent potential of everyone, which usually has yet to be unlocked.

    So basically, challenges & toughness in life, are to open doors for us to keep growing up, and to remind us to being humble as among the live-being in the universe.

    Cheers !

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