It is still too early to be making Christmas wish list. I am no child. Far from that. And I do not expect my presents to be left for me under an enormous Christmas tree, but then again, I found that I desperately needed to make one. All these while, I don’t know what I should wish for for Christmas, but I’m going almost insane right now. I’m having an emotional breakdown I need to hold on to something… some hope, some magic… a miracle or else… I don’t think I can go on. Not anymore. I can’t believe what I have become. A timid person who is scared to voice up her opinion just because she’s so sick of fighting issues that she consider not worth an argument in the first place.
I am utterly disgusted by it- by what kind of person I have become. Since when I became the ‘yes woman’ or ‘let it be woman’? What happened to the carefree and the fighter in me? Well… someone trampled it, stepped on it, shred it to pieces, slow and bloody… mercilessly.
Anyway, here’s my fondest wish. Let’s just spare Santa from all the gory details, shall we?
All I want for Christmas is:
1. My life back. I feel lifeless now.
2. My voice… I want my opinion heard and RESPECTED.
3. PRIVACY. I want PRIVACY and freedom to be able to do what I want.
4. A rest with no bloody shit disturbing me. No unwanted phone calls, no people to entertain, no screaming…
5. Less work to do. No more chores… no more cleaning up to please people or to find that my hard work have been messed up again over and over again without failed.
6. Some quality time with my loved ones. Please note… loved ones… not people whom I’m forced to tolerate for whatever fucking reason. I don’t care, I need to unwind… please, give me a break! Please, give me a break, I need to breathe.
7. Just for one day…just for one day… I want to go back to the day I was in form 5. I want to feel the joy of being innocent, naive, and silly once again. I want to be able to be myself- the young girl who’s spirited.
8. I want to turn back time. I want to make things right for everyone. If not everyone, at least for myself, so that I won’t be guilt ridden for the rest of my life.
9. I want to start my life all over… year 2004 was by far the best year after college. I want to start over at that point of my life.
10. I want to be able to do what I loved and does best. I want to learn. I want to be able to make my own mistakes.
11. I want to play chess for at least 2 hours, I want to go horseback riding and spend my whole day reading comics, novels, and books that I fancy.
12. I want to be able to complete a 500 or 1000 puzzles without the fear of having called to do something… or having it put away by people without my permission.
13. I want to be able to be honest to my family, without having the fear of them not able to accept what I want to be honest about. I’m so tired of lying…
14. I want no more worries…especially about money.
15. I don’t expect romance, but I want to feel appreciated for the things that I have done.
16. I want more passion in my life…more joy, more excitement, more thrills.
17. I want to feel how it is like to be in love again, head over heels kind of feelings.
18. I want to be able to understand people better, and in return, I want people to be more sensitive about my feelings.
19. I want to have time to write again. I want to be able to create masterpieces effortlessly again… the way I did back in 1998… a complete masterpiece each month.
20. I want to be inspired and to be able to have dreams again. And I also want to have a baby daughter who is a result of love…
21. I want to have friends again… friends, in the context where I can hang out and chill out with them.
22. I want to be able play Maplestory for the whole day again with my fellow gamers and to be able to stay awake til at least 3am in to enjoy the much coveted solitude.
23. I want to go to the beach, just to breathe in the scent of the salted sea, and listen to the gentle waves hitting the soft sands…to remember that the sea was where I used to belonged.
24. I want to have a career of my choosing…I want to go back to what I think is my true calling- the journalism line…reporting. Journalism is the first step to creating the history of mankind. I want to be apart of that.
and most importantly
25. I want to be able to go home without any fear. Without the feelings that my space have been invaded, my privacy is not respected and my eyes and ears are assaulted by unpleasant things.
I do hope at least one of my wishes could come true… but seeing my wishes are not in the form of material things, I don’t think it is possible for anyone to grant me any of it, and it doesn’t matter if I’ve been a good girl whole year through. But then again… desperate woman do desperate things, including making wishes like this, hoping that her wishes could at least be heard if it cannot be realized.
The list is what I wished for from the bottom of my greedy heart. What is your wish, dear readers?
Cleffairy: If I can’t have at least my privacy, freedom and voice back… well then perhaps, my life is no longer worth living. I used to think that when one fall in love, it would be forever…but one can only be in love til their last breath if they are a masochist.
Whether I am a masochist or not, that is for me to know, and for you to find out. Are you a masochist?