Finding my lost memories…

As of late, I am not doing so well, and I began to wonder, why and when did my started to become so difficult, so complicated, and so many expectations to fulfill. And so many people I need to impress and I am burdened with so many responsibilities that sometimes is not even mine on my shoulder. I feel that sometimes it is too much that I can bursts, or even having an emotional breakdown.

I wanted to write about politics, relationship, or even bigger things that matters, but I found that I couldn’t. At least, not now, though there are many issues that is plaguing my mind. I needed time to reflect, on where my future lies. On whether I should carry on living like an empty shell, or should I stop and start to make myself happy instead of others.

I kept thinking of the times where I used to indulge myself with small things that makes my happiness worthwhile. Back then, happiness is not something hard to achieve. Happiness did not slip through my fingers all the time and was not short-lived back then. I had not much money then, but I did not worry. I had problems then, but it was easily solved. Unlike now. Things gets complicated and how I’m supposed to unravel it, is still a mystery.

These days, I feel as if there’s missing pieces in me. Something that is not quite right, and no matter how I tried, I couldn’t put words into it. Some part of me is missing.I did not know what it was.

Then, last night, when I was listening to some songs that I probably have listened a million times a few years back, I realized what it was.

I grew up, I matured, and therefore, I lost some part of me in the process. Important part of me. While I realize that there is no way in hell I will be able to collect the shattered missing pieces of my life , I pine for the times where life was so simple and I have low expectation on everything. I was carefree, and above all, I was not so sacrificial. I do things that makes myself happy.I balanced between my responsibilities and my own happiness. I did well back then.

I did not give a damn on what people say or think about me. I really wonder why it is so hard to do now. And I wonder why did I changed so much… after all, it’s not even 2 years yet since I last felt so contented, happy and carefree. Back then, I feel like I’m on top of the world, though I’m on lows. But now, I feel like in the pit of hell even when I’m on top.

Perhaps, I should stop trying to impress others. Then only I would be happy. Perhaps, I shouldn’t give a damn about people, then only I’d be contented. Isn’t it stupid to care for people who wouldn’t even bother to give a damn about you and only find faults in you every time they crossed pass with you. Isn’t it a waste of time, effort and breath, trying to impress such people? Why bother trying to be in people’s good books when they won’t even bother to see the good you have done?

Maybe all of me is not lost, as I managed to remember how I was like 2 years back. My brain worked like a diary last night and I find myself smiling at those wonderful moments that made me feel that what becomes of the world and the people in it doesn’t matter anymore.

Perhaps, just perhaps, all is not lost. Perhaps, all I need to do is find my lost memories, revive it, relive it and things will be better once again.

I wonder, how many of you out there found yourself in my predicament at some point in my life? Did you ever come across someone who asked you what changed you, and you shurgs them off, telling them these…


“Life happened.”

“Love happened.”

“Marriage happened.”

“Children happened.”

“Family happened.”

“In laws happened.”

“Financial problems happened.”


and so the list goes on…

Anyway,this entry, is for those people who are responsible making my memories whole. This is for all of you… people in my life, 2 years back. You know who you are.  I’ll treasure you and cherish you, for as long I could.

Cleffairy: I grew up, and I lost an important part myself in the process. Perhaps, this is a good time to find myself again.

The song is Tower of The Goddess- Memories of Ossyria.

I dedicate this song to you people who made a part of my life wonderful. This is for you people in FantasyStars, Griffindor, Celestial, HeavennHell. This is especially for Seng, Francesca, Uncle Pui, PetPetgirl, Simplysimson, Starsecrets, Sorlo and Sorpo. This is for all of you. Thank you for being a part of my memories and making part of my life worth living.


ps: Don’t you just missed the time where we had to listen to this song over and over again until we could vomit blood? LOL… I miss those times.



About cleffairy

Recently having fascination with ancient history.
This entry was posted in A Penny For Your Thoughts, Fairy's Tale, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Finding my lost memories…

  1. eugene says:

    Hey, it is good to feel low sometimes, go and rest your weary soul, tired mind and overworked body….. make yourself happy and you know why?

    you owe it to yourself

  2. Sometime we should not get upset over other people attitude and we should not try to impress them too. It is still the best policy to be ourselves, know our direction and stay on course to achieve our goals in life! Be happy, Cleff!

    • cleffairy says:

      Obviously, Pete, I learn the lesson the hard way. Very typical of me. Thinking back… I really wonder why i bother to even be in good books of people who practically loves to sweep dust into my food when I’m eating. to me, it’s as good as spitting inside my plate! *SNARL*

  3. Cheeyee says:

    I think no point doing something to make people happy while you are not happy. We don’t hurt people but don’t make ourselves get hurt too. I always remind myself to have no expectations. So everything will be a surprise to me.

    Hope your mood are getting better and be happy! It’s still a long journey to go. 🙂

    Take care.

    p/s: OMG, I hardly remember anything about Maple! It’s like that part of memory is lost! Lol

    • cleffairy says:

      Yeah… i was feeling delirious the other day, and I realize how easily we forget things, Cheeyee. Age must be catching up on us. I also almost couldn’t remember anything about maple except those people who become close to me and become my bro, sis and wonderful RL friends.

  4. Gallivanter says:

    We all look back on our memories sometimes, trying to find them to seek some solace.

    • cleffairy says:

      Yep… sometimes… when things gets pretty hard in life, we need to look back to where the times we’re happier, so that we can go on… 😀

  5. Seng says:

    Good Memories stay forever =D cheerio sis!

    • cleffairy says:

      Yeah, bro…good memories stays on forever… so, my didi…ur bday coming ohhh… *sobs* my didi grow up liao! LOL…can go get married liao!

  6. tuti says:

    read your comments from time to time from peteformation and bold talk. you’re a cool lady, i likey your words.
    take it easy. easier said that done i know, considering i’ve half my foot in the pit myself. but you’ve got so much goodness and cheer in you, you’re going to make it. call it gut feeling. you do shine out, from the few times i’ve read you, in your comments, etc.
    it’s just a dark spot right now. step out like mr. … bean?
    *hugs* from a fella blogger. high-5!

    • cleffairy says:

      Hi Tuti, thank you for dropping a comment in my blog… and for noticing my ramblings in Eugene’s and Pete’s blog. LOL… I hang out there pretty often to bug both of these two men…. I admire these two. Great husband, great fathers. 😀
      LOL… step out like Mr. Bean… lol…now that makes me laugh…you’re right, I think i should learn from Mr. bean… get up when i fall, and step into the light.

  7. amoker says:

    This summarizes my trainign last week where i shared with the folks on perspective.

    1. You can’t change others.
    2. It is your responsibility to do your best.
    3. Letting go does means that you still care.

    God bless.

    • cleffairy says:

      *sigh* You’re right on all 3, amoker. i couldn’t agree more. But the hardest part, I suppose is to learn to let go. So nice to see you dropping by every now and then, hope you’re doing well. *grinZ*

  8. tuti says:

    write gal write! i love your writings.
    (unwritten is we, this species must write to keep sane. i better go write mine too. need industrial drainage to clear the mental blockage.)

  9. Christopher says:

    how abt getting professional help like counselling? it might help!

    • cleffairy says:

      Haiyorr, Chris… i dun trust people easily. ‘Professional help’ is a waste of time and money, especially all they do is just listen, not provide solution. What’s more, professionals in Malaysia are not really professional… some of them judge people, and tends to think that they know all. I am probably better off seeking counseling from my cat, at least my cat wun talk bad stuff in front of me, or behind my back. And, I can be 100% sure that my secrets are safe with her. LMAO…

  10. tuti says:

    yeah gal, you’re coming back with a vengeance, this is your style of writing, the gungho you. you’ve got a cat. i’ve got .. walls. but o dear, they’ve got ears too! yeeehaaa!
    aren’t you afraid you’ve connected with me now? LOL!

    • cleffairy says:

      LOL… afraid for wud? You’re nothing near to those monsters that lurks around in my bloody life. LOL… and yeah, you’re right, even walls have ears, so we have to thread carefully.

  11. jen says:

    happiness comes from within 🙂

  12. Christopher says:

    yeah … true also. Some folks just do counselling as a job, not from the heart.

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