As of late, I am not doing so well, and I began to wonder, why and when did my started to become so difficult, so complicated, and so many expectations to fulfill. And so many people I need to impress and I am burdened with so many responsibilities that sometimes is not even mine on my shoulder. I feel that sometimes it is too much that I can bursts, or even having an emotional breakdown.
I wanted to write about politics, relationship, or even bigger things that matters, but I found that I couldn’t. At least, not now, though there are many issues that is plaguing my mind. I needed time to reflect, on where my future lies. On whether I should carry on living like an empty shell, or should I stop and start to make myself happy instead of others.
I kept thinking of the times where I used to indulge myself with small things that makes my happiness worthwhile. Back then, happiness is not something hard to achieve. Happiness did not slip through my fingers all the time and was not short-lived back then. I had not much money then, but I did not worry. I had problems then, but it was easily solved. Unlike now. Things gets complicated and how I’m supposed to unravel it, is still a mystery.
These days, I feel as if there’s missing pieces in me. Something that is not quite right, and no matter how I tried, I couldn’t put words into it. Some part of me is missing.I did not know what it was.
Then, last night, when I was listening to some songs that I probably have listened a million times a few years back, I realized what it was.
I grew up, I matured, and therefore, I lost some part of me in the process. Important part of me. While I realize that there is no way in hell I will be able to collect the shattered missing pieces of my life , I pine for the times where life was so simple and I have low expectation on everything. I was carefree, and above all, I was not so sacrificial. I do things that makes myself happy.I balanced between my responsibilities and my own happiness. I did well back then.
I did not give a damn on what people say or think about me. I really wonder why it is so hard to do now. And I wonder why did I changed so much… after all, it’s not even 2 years yet since I last felt so contented, happy and carefree. Back then, I feel like I’m on top of the world, though I’m on lows. But now, I feel like in the pit of hell even when I’m on top.
Perhaps, I should stop trying to impress others. Then only I would be happy. Perhaps, I shouldn’t give a damn about people, then only I’d be contented. Isn’t it stupid to care for people who wouldn’t even bother to give a damn about you and only find faults in you every time they crossed pass with you. Isn’t it a waste of time, effort and breath, trying to impress such people? Why bother trying to be in people’s good books when they won’t even bother to see the good you have done?
Maybe all of me is not lost, as I managed to remember how I was like 2 years back. My brain worked like a diary last night and I find myself smiling at those wonderful moments that made me feel that what becomes of the world and the people in it doesn’t matter anymore.
Perhaps, just perhaps, all is not lost. Perhaps, all I need to do is find my lost memories, revive it, relive it and things will be better once again.
I wonder, how many of you out there found yourself in my predicament at some point in my life? Did you ever come across someone who asked you what changed you, and you shurgs them off, telling them these…
“In laws happened.”
“Financial problems happened.”
and so the list goes on…
Anyway,this entry, is for those people who are responsible making my memories whole. This is for all of you… people in my life, 2 years back. You know who you are. I’ll treasure you and cherish you, for as long I could.
Cleffairy: I grew up, and I lost an important part myself in the process. Perhaps, this is a good time to find myself again.
The song is Tower of The Goddess- Memories of Ossyria.
I dedicate this song to you people who made a part of my life wonderful. This is for you people in FantasyStars, Griffindor, Celestial, HeavennHell. This is especially for Seng, Francesca, Uncle Pui, PetPetgirl, Simplysimson, Starsecrets, Sorlo and Sorpo. This is for all of you. Thank you for being a part of my memories and making part of my life worth living.
ps: Don’t you just missed the time where we had to listen to this song over and over again until we could vomit blood? LOL… I miss those times.